The Super Sloppy Drunk People Misadventures

At this point in my uber and lyft ventures, here are my top 3 misadventures with super sloppy drunk passengers... which like to happen in River North or Wrigleyville most of the time.

1. I was driving as usual at night owl o'clock on a Saturday night and I ended up picking up a drunk older man who appeared to be between 40 and 50 years old in an Uber pool at around 3:30am in the oh so lovely River North. He got into my car and looked super sloppy drunk, enough to where I thought someone his age should have his shit together more than he did. He told me his address and I proceeded to tell him I had another passenger to pick up because he requested a pool. I arrived at the second person's destination and waited for a bit. The drunk man in my car was being impatient and I ended up contacting the person I was waiting for a couple times. They didn't answer and I ended up canceling on them. I don't like canceling on people, but as I was waiting for this passenger, he fell asleep in my back seat and was snoring rather loudly. The fact this person seemed like he had a "tude" and was snoring made me feel super uncomfortable. I turned up the volume to my music and fled to his house as fast as I can without attracting cops or risking my safety. About 10 minutes later, I see his address, blaring, bold, and purple outside of his building. "Hey, I think we're outside your place now", I exclaim to him loud enough not to startle him and point to his building on Adams Street. He thinks we're on Lake Street; I pull closer to the intersection to make sure I'm not mistaken and listen to his back seat driving. A minute or two later, he realizes he was wrong and gets out of my car. How awkward...

2. I had driven so far into the night owl hours it had already become daylight and apparently people were still drunkity drunk. It had already reached about 6:30 in the morning. I had just driven 2 people to the airport and figured all of the drunk people were home by now... I guess not. I anxiously arrived at the front of the Taco Burrito King on Harlem and Higgins by the expressway. Someone called me and told me they were in the back of the building. A few minutes later, 3 men who looked to be about my age (early/mid 20s) walked into my car and warned me they weren't sober. For some reason, I ended up driving towards the home of the person who requested the ride. I shortly after realized that was an awful idea, but I had already committed to this endeavor. I eventually arrived at the first person's place and dropped him off at his apartment. After that, the fun really began; I was driving towards the second person's place and realized he had been hiccuping the entire ride. My "I feel like this person may get sick in my car" senses began to tingle. The third person and me were keeping an eye on him, but at least I felt like I'd get notified if I had to pull over. Since the drive wasn't too long, I drove as fast as I can without being unsafe and eventually arrived at the second person's place. His feeling of nausea vanished and he handed me 5 dollars. As I'm on my way to the third person's place, which is less than 5 minutes away, the first person ended up canceling the ride. I end up notifying him his friend canceled. He wondered if that meant I would get screwed over and I told him it would. I arrived at his place and he pulls out 21 dollars and tells me it's all he has in his wallet and he hopes it's enough to cover the fare. I told him he was good to go while I thought to myself at least I got my money's worth and then some!

3. Oh boy, driving St. Patrick's Day weekend (the weekend Chicago dyed the river, not the actual day of St. Patrick's Day) on that Saturday. What a great idea, even though I wanted to make some money. It was about 1:30am and I had just finished taking 2 people celebrating a 21st birthday to the Mad River bar in River North who could apparently handle their liquor than the next 2 people who would come in my car. I received another request from the Mad River bar. When the men who looked to be around my age (early/mid 20s) entered my car, the "I feel like this person may get sick in my car" senses were acting like fire alarms going off in my body. I knew those people were super sloppy double dare drunk, enough to know next time to never let people that wasted in my car ever again. And instead of the usual 10 or 15 minute drive, they wanted to go from River North to Arlington Heights by Mitsuwa Marketplace. I had to get the hell out of there fast because I have a fear of people tossing their cookies in my car. I flew down the expressway as stealthy as if my car had rocket boosters. I also made sure to drive as close to the shoulder as possible so I can pull over if needed and kept my trash bag handy. A few miles down the highway, one of the passengers alarmed me I need to pull over; thankfully, I had just got my brakes replaced and froze from 80 to 0 in 4 seconds. He opened the door, tossed all of his cookies outside of my car, and we were back on the road a couple minutes later. The other passenger fell asleep. A half hour after that, I finally dropped both of the people off and called my friends to tell them what happened. Next time people look as schwaysted as these two gentleman were, I'm just going to drive off and cancel the ride.

Hopefully, I won't find another story to top any of these!